Marauders ABC
by pippinwitch
Summary: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs teach us the alphabet, but not quite as you may remember it from school! Supposed to be funny but I don't know if it is or not. Read and review please! Rated T just in case, though there's nothing bad in it.


_Bonjour all! I have been absent from the world of fanfics for quite some time now, but tonight the Muses bit my butt. So…. This fic is dedicated to Alex; the most Marauders obsessed person I know._ _Disclaimer: I own nothing but some stinky trainers and a slightly mouldy copy of The Lord of the Rings; go ahead, sue me!_

THE MARAUDERS ABC

Remus: A is for Animagi.

Sirius: In others words; us! The most talented, wonderful, smart, brilliant people in the whole world!

Remus: You wish Padfoot.

James: B is for Broomstick. And for Bludger and Beater and –

Peter: Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans! Hands up anyone who thinks James might be just a little obsessive about Quidditch?

James: (shuts up and glares at Peter)

Sirius: C is for Charms, one of the bestest lessons for causing total mayhem. Only last week I managed to turn Snivellus bright green and claim it was a wand malfunction!

James: Yeah, he looked just like a great greasy troll…

Remus: Didn't he catch up with you in the corridor after dinner and hex massive flying bogies all over you?

Sirius: (annoyed) Did you have to tell the whole world?

James: Party pooper Moony!

Remus: D is for Detention. Sirius and James' second home. Unfortunately they often drag me in there with them. (sighs)

James: E is for Evans, Lily Evans.

Peter: James fancies her something rotten!

James: Alas, tis true, but she has yet to fall for my manly charms. (looks all broken hearted)

Sirius: You mean she hates your guts?

James: As if anyone could hate me!

Sirius: So when she told you to screw the giant squid it was a sign of her undying affection then?

James: (wiggles wand and glares threateningly)

Remus: Padfoot, I'd advise you to drop this one before you lose something you'll lament later in life.

Peter: F is for Food, the most amazing thing ever!

Sirius: Shut up Wormtail you prat; F is actually for Filbuster's Fireworks.

Remus: Which I confiscated Sirius' entire supply of after he set ten of them off in detention last week.

Sirius: (resentfully) Yeah, and I got another month worth of scrubbing for it.

James: Bloody good display though!

Peter: Mr Ogg the caretaker wasn't too happy; it took two days for him to get rid of all the stars.

James: (to readers) I happen to know for a fact that Padfoot's got another load stashed in the Room of Requirement anyway. DON'T TELL MOONY!

Peter: G is for Griffindor.

Sirius: Who are going to win the house cup this year. SLYTHERIN STINK!

James: Who have the best Quidditch team ever! Courtesy of me!

Remus: Bighead.

Remus: H is for Hogwarts, one of Europe's most outstanding Magical schools.

Peter: My favourite place in the world.

Sirius and James: (Bellow school song loudly and very out of any tune what so ever) HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS…!

Peter: I is for Ice. I don't like it because I always slip over.

Remus: Being far north, Hogwarts gets very cold in winter and so ice is never in short supply.

James: Too bloody cold, my broomstick froze last year!

Sirius: It was good fun putting icicles down Snivellus' underpants though…

James: J is for James Potter, the best Quidditch player Hogwarts has _ever_ seen. (ruffles hair up a bit more)

Remus: Also the most horrendous bighead Hogwarts has ever seen.

Sirius: Too true!

Peter: K is for Kitchens.

Sirius: the bestest place in the world if you're feeling peckish.

Remus: Sirius, you're never just peckish. You'd eat a ton of food at every meal if you had the time!

James: Yeah, you great bottomless pit you!

Sirius: (grins) Guilty as charged.

James: L is for Lily.

Sirius: You can't do that; E was for Lily! L is for –

Remus: Library; where you lot could do with spending more time.

Peter: NOOOOOOO!

All: M is for MARAUDERS!

Remus: And Marauders' Map, a wonderful bit of complex magic which Padfoot and Prongs seem determined to corrupt for their own rule-breaking needs.

Peter: Marauders Rule!

Remus: N is for Notorious; which is a fairly accurate description of James and Sirius.

James: Aww, thanks Moony!

Sirius: Nice to know our hard work is appreciated.

Peter: O is for OWLs, the worst experience of my life.

James: Moony got really grumpy cause he only got an E for Potions.

Sirius: Brainy git!

Sirius: P is for Peeves, often our partner in mayhem!

James: Without good old Peevsie to distract Ogg, some of out finest pranks would have been impossible.

Sirius: Peeves, we salute you!

Peter: Q is for Quills, especially of the sugar variety.

Sirius: Although those Self-Correcting ones are dead useful too.

Remus: Those are against the rules!

James: So?

Sirius: R is for Remus.

James: The secret love of Sirius' life. (sings) Sirius and Remus, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Sirius: (leaps at James and attempts to tear him apart with his bare hands)

James: Ow!

Peter: (pulls them apart) Don't do that Sirius, you might hurt him.

Sirius: GOOD!

James: (nursing a bloody nose) I don't see why you two won't just admit it, it's SOOO obvious!

Remus: (suspiciously red and guilty looking) That's enough on that for now…

Sirius: S is for Snivellus Snape.

James: The ugliest, greasiest, most evil git on the face of the earth.

Remus: I'm sure he's nice enough underneath…

Sirius and James: YEAH, RIGHT!

Sirius: T is for Troll, otherwise called most of the Slytherin Quidditch team.

James: Hulking great wazzuks, the lot of them.

Remus: (pointedly) T is also for Trouble, which is what you'll be in if that Transfiguration essay isn't done by tomorrow!

Peter: We're nearly at Z now anyway.

Sirius: Since when do you know the alphabet!

Sirius: U is for Unforgivable Curses; surely they aren't unforgivable if it's only Snivellus…? (hopeful look)

James: We'd be doing the world a favour.

Remus: NO!

James and Sirius: Spoilsport!

Remus: V is for Veritaserum.

Sirius: Which is just one of many long words which Moony insists we ought to learn and I just can't be arsed.

Peter: And I just can't remember.

Remus: W is for Werewolf.

Sirius: And we've definitely never seen one of those around here, have we James?

James: Nope. Hey, what do you get if a huge, hairy black dog and a werewolf have kids!

Remus: I told you to drop it!

Peter: X is for Expelliarmus, which James and Sirius use to take Snivellus' wand.

Remus: That has an E on the front! Can't any of you spell!

James: Ah well, sounds like an X anyway.

Sirius: It'll do.

James: Y is for Yo–Yo, isn't it Sirius?

Sirius: Yeah, Ogg confiscated my Screaming Yo-Yo, the git! I won that in a game of Wizard Chess in fourth year.

Remus: You're too young to gamble anyway.

Sirius: (Blows a disgusting raspberry) That's the only response I'll make to _that_!

Peter: Z is for Zonko's Joke Shop.

Remus: Most of that stuff's just dangerous.

Sirius: Moony doesn't appreciate humour.

James: We do!

_A/N: If you appreciate humour then I hope you liked this! Why not drop a review and tell me? Go on, you know you want to!_

_Pippinwitch_


End file.
